For once in my life...... Im really happy

so. my birthday was two days ago, and instead of just hanging around the house that night like I thought we were going to do, Theo took me out to a nice dinner, and then took me to go buy these matching diamond earrings that go with a necklace he bought me for our 4 year anniversary! Im sooooo spoiled! He treated me like a princess that night! I am tooo lucky!

today is my 21st birthday...... and im bored! im sitting at home doing nothing..... how lame am I!!!!

I watched the proverbial sunrise,
Coming up over the Pacific and,
You might think i'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifis,

Cause I dont want you to know where I am,
Cause then you'll see my heart,
In the saddest state it's ever been

This is no plave to try and live my life,

Stop right there, That's exactly where I lost it,
See that line, Well I never should have crossed it,
Stop right there, Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person i became,
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change,
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again,
Cause who I am hates who i've been,
Who I am hates who i've been,

I talk to absolutely no one,
Couldnt keep to myself enough,
And the things bottles inside have finally begun,
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up,

I heard the reverberating footsteps,
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was posotive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart,

And I cant let that happen again,
Cause then you'll see my heart,
In the saddest state it's ever been,

This is no place to try and live my life,

Stop right there, That's exactly where I lost it,
See that line, Well I never should have crossed it,
Stop right there, Well I never should have said that,
That's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back,

Stop right there, That's exactly where I lost it,
See that line, Well I never should have crossed it,
Stop rigt there, Well I never should have said that,
That's the very moment that,
I wish that i could take back,

I'm sorry for the person I became,
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change,
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again,
Cause who I am hates who I've been,
Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been,
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me,
Who I am hates who I've been,
Cause who I've been only ever made me....

So sorry for the person I became,
So sorry that it took so long for me to change,
I'm ready to be sure i never become that way again,
Cause who I am hates who I've been,
Who I am hates who I've been.

Holy shit.... I turn 21 in like 4 days! geez... time goes by fast!

ok... can i just say that sitting in a house with nothing but a computer, and some food.... is really really boring! the movers came the other day and took all of our stuff away to Washington, so all we have is our computer, some clothes, and some food! this blows!

wow... i havnet written in here for a good year! so... lets see.... i moved to South Carolina, Married Theo, and now we are expecting our first child in November. We are really excited about it. We will soon be moving to Washington state. it will be nice to be back on the west coast. the east coast kinda sucks! lol..... um im taking "A leave of absence" from old navy, im not quite sure if i want to go back, i like it but i feel like i've been doing it forever! anyways, we got a "New" car, its a Doge Dakota Sport, which is cool, better than the POS i was driving around. lol, im not sure what else to say!! so yea.... i will really try and keep this thing up to date! i've been distracted the last like year and a half! so yea... ttyl!

1) find wedding dress

2) find wedding party

3) find chapel

4) pick cake

5) pick flowers

6) find bridesmaids dresses

7) ........GET MY ENGAGEMENT RING

oh, yea! set date,break news to dad, and oh hell, just plan the fuckin wedding!!!!

i thought having Theo gone was going to be good for me. i would grow, and have some fun, but all i have done is sit around and be miserable. dont get me wrong, im so happy and proud of him,but i miss him soooo much. i am so bored without him here, its like i dont have a life! all i do is think about him, and work at home, in my sleep! this sux! i dont know what to do. i sit and cry cause he's not here! i know this sounds crazy, but i miss him, and still love him so much! i dont eat, i barely sleep, and i do nothing! i sit there and watch tv, and stare at his picture! its stupid cause he only left 4 days ago! but i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to him in person. my mom wouldnt let me go say goodbye to him! it was so cute, he called me at like 5:30 morning on thursday, and told me goodbye, and that he loves me, but its still not the same. my parents think that i should move to South Carolina to be with him, and as much as i love that idea, it would just have to turn around and move back to cali when hes done with his schooling in SC, so theres really no point. i dont know what to do! im afraid that i will become totally depressed, and become a zombie, and never leave my house! lord i need help!

i dont know why, but i feel betrayed. my life revovled around two people in my life. one has passed away, and the other has left me for bigger and better things. its been three months and yet, no releif, it hasnt gotten easier that nathan has died. everyone says that it will get easier with time, i really think those people dont know what they are talking about. it wont get easier with time, time isnt going to bring him back. and my rock, my reason for living, i wont even be able to talk to for the next 2 1/2 months. Theo left for bootcamp two days ago.and all i seem to do is cry. i have no one. i know that i have friends, but for some reason it doesnt seem to help. the only thing that seemed to help me get by was having theo around, and i dont have that anymore. it sux. all i do is think about him and nathan, and how much both of them mean to me. i miss them, so much! i would marry that boy in a heart beat! i love him so much, and yet he feels so far away. i dont know what to do anymore! my life feels useless!

"Rumors"

Saturday steppin' into the club
And it makes me wanna tell the DJ
Turn It Up
I feel the energy all around
And my body can't stop moving to the sound

But I can tell that you're watching me
And you're probably gonna write what you didn't see
Well I just need a little space to breathe
Can you please respect my privacy

[BRIDGE:]
Why can't you just let me
Do the things I wanna do
I just wanna be me
I don't understand why
Would you wanna bring me down
I'm only having fun
I'm gonna live my life
Like I wanna do

[CHORUS:]
I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is

Here we are back up in the club
People taking pictures
Don't you think they get enough
I just wanna be all over the floor
And throw my hands up in the air to a beat like (What?)

I've gotta say respectfully
I would like it if you take the cameras off of me
'Cause I just want a little room to breathe
Can you please respect my privacy

[BRIDGE:]
Why can't you just let me
Do the things I wanna do
I just wanna be me
I don't understand why
Would you wanna bring me down
I'm only having fun
I'm gonna live my life
Like I wanna do

[CHORUS:]
I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is

I just need to free my mind (my mind)
Just wanna dance and have a good time (good time)

I'm tired of rumors (rumors)
Followed (followed, followed, followed, followed, followed)

What they (follow) me
Why can't they (they they they-they-they) let me live

Take this for just what it is

[CHORUS:]
I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is

I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is

"My Prerogative"

[Spoken:]
People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is..
Can you handle mine?

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Getting boys is how I live
Some ask me questions
Why am I so real?
But they don't undersand me
I really don't know the deal about my sister
Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago
Before I won this fight

[Chorus:]

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
that's my prerogative
(it's my prerogative)

It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative)
You can’t tell me what to do

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not souped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships really gets me down
I see nothing wrong in spreading myself around

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
That’s my prerogative

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
that's my prerogative

It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative)
You can’t tell me what to do

why can't I live my life
without all of the things
That people say
oh oh

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative (they say I’m crazy)

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live? (they say I’m nasty)
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
(it's my prerogative)

- i have come to realize that making others happy should never come before making yourself happy! if others dont like me for me, then thats their problem! im not gonna change for anyone but myself! i like the way i am! if you dont, then screw you!!!! This song proves it! if you dont like how i am, the things i do! They way i party, then, thats your bad, not mine! im young i should be able to have some fun! life is too short to not live your life! Nathan helped me realize this, some of you may not understand but i do now! i always thought that you had your whole life aheqad of you, but sometimes you dont, sometimes you leave unexpectadly! live your lives, dont take anything for granted! and dont ever lose sight of who you are! i know it sounds corny, but i know the meaning of it all now!

well, my car is no longer! i totalled it today! if i can get pix, i will post them so ya'll can see! it looks like total shit! oh my god! and my back ,and neck hurt really bad, so yea! thats my news! call me if you need me! 271-2689 or 369-5603

these past few weeks have been interesting. i have a new roomate, which is cool. but since she moved in i seem to be partying alot lately. lol. like at jesse's house last night. that fool got me soooo wasted!!!! lord, i wish i had pictures! lol. it was me, my roomate danielle, joe, avalon, and jesse. he was making me martinies and margaritas, and yea! there was alot of jose, and hypnotic, and yea! lol. it was awsome.well, i stole joe's margarita, and then jesse fixed me a big martini with alot of hypnotic, and a bunch of other shit in it, and i got fucked up!!!! i think at one point i was giving avalon a lap dance. lol, but that was just for jokes. but then i was sitting on jesse's lap, i think i gave him one too. then i got up and we had to leave to get joe home. and i leaned down to give jesse a hug goodbye, and thank him for the drinks, and he kissed me!! and it was very nice! lol. lord, i like him hecka much! he's just really hot to me! lol. i dont really know why, but he is. and then we walked out to the car, and he gave me another hug, and kissed me again, and yea! i have no idea whats going on, but its cool. so we took off, joe was driving, and we took avalon home, danielle stayed cause she wasnt ready to leave, but we get back to my house, we talk for a little bit, he leaves, and the moment i hit the pillow, i crash! and then danielle called me at 8 this morning, and i went and picked her up! they were drinking until like 3 in the morning. lol. she was still drunk when she got in my car this morning. it was hella funny. she was all wobblin, and shit! lol. nah, shes cool! its all good.but yea, i need to go back to bed, and get some sleep! nite!!!!

sorry that i havent written latley. all i seem to want to do after nathan died, was well, nothing. i just wanted to come home from work, and go to sleep, and thats it. the amount of depressin that over whelms me is unbearable. Nathan is all i think about now. life just isnt complete without him around. the autopsy came back. well most of it anyways, and they cant find anything. how do you not find anything, how the hell is that possible, there has to be something. the only thing we are waiting on now is the tests from the brain tissue to come back. all i do now is go to work, come home and cry myself to sleep. theo's here and that hekps a little. but it doenst bring my nana back. there feels like there is a gian hole in my heart, and it feels like it will never heal. i went down to san diego to visit my dad for a few days, but that didnt help. i took a friend with me, and got delivered some not so nice news that changed my view of that friend. and to a certain someone in high school, i thiught we were friends, i thought we were cool, never tought that you would stab me in the back like that. you will never know how much you hurt me. so these last 2 months have been really, really tuff on me. i just want to get back to my normal, happy self. but for some reason i dont see that happening.

well, theo is upset with me this morning because he is leaving to go camping for three days, and he is upset cause i told him that i would stop by and see him. but i was soooo tired this morining that i just couldnt get up. and he has stuff that he has to do today, and he is leaving to run errends at like noon, so i cant see him today, and now hes upset with me. i wish that i could just get my shit together and stop hurting him. cause i do on a daily basis and it sux, cause i dont want to hurt him. but then there is alson johnson that i dont want to hurt either. but theo is my best friend and i should be more worried about him. well, we are going down to San Diego next week, so that should give me some time to make it up to him, and just to let him know how much i care about him. grr.... somedays i just hate myself. blah.